Friday, August 22, 2014

Once a Year…. LOL 2014

Okay, so I really suck…. bad…. at this whole blog thing haha.  But lets be honest, I have one follower :) hahaha Thanks Ali you rock!

So this post is really just to mmmm, for lack of a better word, vent.  I have over the past 12 months been through some crazy crazy life experiences.  I would never take any of them back, and if you are easily let down, demotivated, or hate pessimistic/negative people or comments, then you probably shouldn't read this post.  Now that I have that out of the way, I should say that I am actually one of the most optimistic persons I know.  I am super positive and constantly see the good in people, even if I'm always the one left hurt and looking like an idiot.

After taking a quick glance at my last post, I will just say a lot has changed.  First, the not so attractive guy in my post is long gone and thank heavens.  I am still selling alarms, for Vivint of course.  I am currently living in Dallas for sales, but I will only be here for 3 more weeks then I will probably reside in Utah for the off season.  I have decided to work at Vivint for the next 2 years and hopefully by the end of the 2016 summer I will know what I want to be in life.

On to the juicy stuff.  I have decided that everyone should know the real facts of life… So this is my own opinion and maybe, actually hopefully, one day I change my opinion.  However, this is what everyone should know because all their lives they are taught the exact opposite and should NOT get their hopes up.  First and foremost, YOU and only YOU can do anything for yourself.  You are THE only person that can be counted on or trusted.  There are probably millions of people who already know this, but it took me a long 27 years to know and realize what that really meant.  I cannot rely on anyone to do anything for me, if I want something done right or to my expectations then I have to do them myself.  Most of this post has to do with intimate relationships such as marriage, boyfriend/girlfriend, significant other types of relationships.  I have learned over the last 8 years that no one can truly be 100% trusted.  Even if you trust that person, do you really really trust them?!… and if you trust them, of course other people who they are around cannot be trusted.

I have come to realize that marriage is a fairytale.  I think if you find a real marriage that really works for the duration of your life (and maybe past that, if thats what you believe) is a rare find.  If you have found it then you hold on to that with all your might.  In this world today there is no such thing as a 50th anniversary… well if you've been married in the last 5 years at least.  I am confident I will not see a 5 year anniversary, I don't even think I will ever even get married.  I don't believe that a person can 100% be committed to one other person willingly.  I think people are dependent on other people and that is why you see people still get married today.  Why do we even need to get married, once your married you see what people really are and why should you have to commit to always be with someone that is a different person than they were before?! That makes no sense.  Why do we even have to get married… Like who even decided it would be the "social norm" to legally bind yourself to someone for the rest of your life?!… That just sounds crazy!  I think 40% of people who are married are unhappy but they are comfortable and just don't want to start over again.  The other 60% could be legit happy or just think they are happy or they have kids distracting them from how they really feel.  With that being said, my parents are happily married and have been for 35+ years they truly love each other and cannot do anything with out the other.  Also I have 4 siblings that are happily married… well at least I think they are, so trust me this feeling I have does not run in my family and does not stem from any life experiences from growing up.  Like I said, I am happy for people that find that person that feels the same way and love each other through thick and think.  I think it can be found, but it is a seriously rare find.

Unfortunately, our entire lives we are taught that our lives should be fairytales and happy endings.  But I am so so so sorry to tell you this is not true.  If you think you should be a princess that will find a prince who will sweep you off your feet and treat you like a queen and do anything for you…. you are sadly mistaken.  Like I said before, YOU are the only person that can bring yourself happiness.  Men are freakin idiots.  Everyone is selfish and I honestly feel like I cannot trust anyone.  This is a sad thing and maybe a pessimistic way to view society, but I have trusted everyone until they give me a reason not to and 9.5 times out of 10 they give me really good reason.  I love my family and can count on them for anything and I also have a handful of friends I also trust, but when it comes to guys….. They suck at being who you want them to be or who you think they are.  Thats just the truth.  I have met some stand up guys, but there is always something that happens that makes me lose all faith in happy endings.  I have just come to realize that there are no happy endings and those movies that you watch, like the chick flick make you cry movies, are just lies.  That just gives you false hope in human kind.  I think if we go into relationships knowing the facts, then we can't be hurt or have our expectations let down… if anything our expectations will be exceeded!  The fact is that there is no such thing as a happy ending and little girls who watch disney movies should know the truth so they don't expect something that is not attainable.  You can ask any guy and they will tell you that it is nearly impossible to live up to a "prince charming" expectation.  To be honest I feel bad that they even have that expectation, girls are just shooting themselves in the foot before they even start dating.  The moment you think this is a fairy tale, just remember it really isn't, then after the "honeymoon phase" wares away you won't be as shocked.

Maybe this whole post is just me saying out loud that I honestly don't trust anyone and I have some serious trust issues.  I have had trust issues since my first serious boyfriend and it's like the more I trust someone the worse I get hurt.  Maybe thats just me being naive in those particular relationships, or thats manipulation at its finest, but either way I have seen so many different occasions of trustworthiness blowing up in my face that I just can't do it anymore.  I feel bad for the future relationships I might have, but no one has walked in my shoes, and I know they say, "everyone is different, don't judge character from one person" or "don't bring past relationships into current ones" or "I'm not your ex boyfriend."  It just isn't fair for someone to be angry with your trust issues or not angry, but not patient. I think the person I just put 110% trust back into shattered all my trust, even the smaller pieces that were there are now millions and millions of pieces that just can't be put back together… So many levels, levels of trust I never even imagined being there, just shattered and lost… forever.  It has been almost a whole year since I lost this trust, but I feel it more now than I ever have.  Now that I have a guy that I want to trust so badly, but I just can't put myself in such a vulnerable position ever again.  I feel bad about it, but I can't change it.  I almost let all my reservations rest, but then I was hurt again, and that maybe was the straw that broke the camels back.  I want to trust people, because I know how it feels to not be trusted, but at the same time I just can't, it makes me sad.  Every time I really think about it, it just makes me sad, like literally I cry like a little baby, and I just wish I didn't have such a skewed way of imagining how "love" should really be.  Now that I know the reality of things, I think everyone should know so there will be less heartache and less hearts will be broken.

I hope this helped thicken someone's skin and hopefully the next time they are let down they can look back and think, "oh Shayla was right… That's what she was saying, it all makes sense now."  I am not down on love or relationships, I just a have seriously bad taste of unrealistic love in my mouth.  Whenever I watch a chick flick I think, "that's not real life."  I know 100% that movies are not real or even close to what people think love or any level of love is.  It's all fake and just what people want to feel but in the end and in real life its all a let down and everyone is fake and dishonest and no one really gives a shit.  The only person who can do anything for you is yourself.  That is just the reality and there isn't any sense in thinking it would be different.

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